Sex, Love and Romance

MYFOXNY.COM - Dr. Helen Fisher , a relationship expert, hosted a Web chat about sex and love. She is the chief scientific advisor to dating site Chemistry.com. Here are highlights of her answers to some great questions.

Q: Dr. Fisher, you say taking SSRIs can "potentially dampen feelings of romantic love and attachment." I take them. Do you have any advice on how one can still experience and enjoy these feelings while taking the medication?

A: I am not a medical doctor, but my research (and the literature) on the brain certainly suggest that as an SSRI boosts the serotonin system, it dampens the brain system for dopamine--the main chemical associated with romantic love. And as SSRIs also regularly suppress sexual desire, they can also kill the flood of oxytocin that comes with orgasm and gives feelings of attachment. But you can do several things to retain feelings of romance and attachment. Foremost, do novel things with your partner, this drives up dopamine in the brain. And you can often take drug holidays that help you with sex drive, or supplement your SSRI with other drugs that help with sexual arousal. But you should see a good doctor to discuss drug options. And if you don't need these drugs, get off of them as fast as possible.

Q: Is there any hope for an on-again, off-again romantic relationship that's been going on for five years without either person willing to make a commitment as in proposing marriage?

A: I do think there is hope for an on-again, off-again relationship. Sometimes, one partner finally gives up and leaves and the other suddenly realizes what they have lost and decides to make the commitment. Or some sort of other event occurs that makes both partners come to their senses, such as a death in the family, an illness, or a long time apart. But I don't advise trying to make something work for ever. Life is short, it's not a dress rehearsal, and there are other fish in the sea. Moreover, people who won't commit generally have a reason. So I would recommend you set a deadline for yourself, and it you can't commit, or he/she can't commit, you find love with someone who will. Good luck in love.

Q: How do you think modern "hook-up culture" affects relationships?

A: I don't think hooking up is modern. I think it is a human reproductive strategy. Having sex escalates dopamine in the brain and can trigger feelings of romantic love. And with orgasm, the release of oxytocin and vasopressin can trigger feelings of attachment. Casual sex is never casual: unless you are to drunk to remember it, something happens--a person is either turned on or off. And in one recent study, some 50% of those who hooked up, did it to start a relationship--and 1/3 succeeded. So I think a lot of men and women initiate or engage in a hook up to start a partnership. But it can be damaging. Many fail to achieve what they set out to do, and then feel used.

Q: I care for my girlfriend very deeply -- indeed I love her. But I don't feel a hugely strong passion or raw attraction for her. Is that an impediment in the long run? Can we still build a long-term bond?

A: Yes, I think you are in a very good position to build a long-term bond. The intense passion of romantic love actually dampens several areas of the brain and can make you blind to the problems in a partnership. But if you have a calmer, more stable feeling for her, you can see more clearly what she will be like years down the road. And if you love her now, you are likely to keep on loving her.

Q: Is it possible to be in love and in lust with someone at the same time? My friend thinks she is.

A: Absolutely, it is possible to be in love and in lust with the same person at the same time. These two brain systems are very well connected. Lust is driven by testosterone and romantic love is driven largely by dopamine. And testosterone and dopamine trigger one another. This is why you feel so sexually attracted to someone as soon as you fall in love with them.

Q: Seems like casual sex varies a lot for men and women. As a recent college grad, seems like I saw a lot of young men using it as a tool for empowerment and in turn, young women feeling used. Despite outward appearances, do you think engaging in casual sex is ultimately negative for men, too?

A: Yes, casual sex can be very disappointing for men, as well as for women. But the data show that men get less depressed about a failed hook up than women do, perhaps for a Darwinian reason. A man who has failed to trigger romantic love during a hook up with a would-be partner has still had the potential opportunity to spread his DNA, while a woman has endangered her reproductive future by possibly getting pregnant during a brief encounter (although these reactions are quite unconscious). But men are just as romantic as women are. In fact, men are far more likely to kill themselves when a relationship fails, and they tend to be more dependent on their partnerships than women are, because they have fewer intimate male friendships.

Q: I still have feelings for an ex-boyfriend, but I'm pretty happy in my current relationship. Is it possible to have romantic feelings for two people at the same time or am I even more confused than I thought I was?

A: I would need to know more about your current partnership and why you left the last one. But often a new boyfriend satisfies some of your needs, but the last one was spectacular in ways that the new one can't be. Love is difficult. But it is impossible to be truly "in love" with two people at the same time. So I suspect that you are not really "in love" with either of them--which can certainly be confusing. Eventually this will resolve itself. Just don't make any important decisions until you have sorted out your feelings.